Posted by Fitz

I am afraid.

When I was little, I was afraid of a bunch of things – kidnappers, the fish that bit us in my grandmother’s lake, that I wouldn’t get my first kiss till I was 54 – but nothing too big.  As an adult, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be fearless, pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do the things that I considered terrifying (traveling to a foreign, non-English speaking country alone, moving to NYC to live with girls I hardly knew, braving needles and self-administered injections to conceive the baby I wanted so terribly).  I felt so empowered after conquering things that made me feel anxious and nervous, but I’ve lately come across something that I just can’t shake.

My mortality has slapped me in the face.

Now that The Bean is in our lives, I feel so vulnerable for all of us.  I give her extra tight hugs, and always tell my husband that I love him before he leaves the house – what if the last thing he heard was, “I thought you said you’d do that?!”  I don’t want any of us to be gypped by the sometimes cruel hand of fate.  I wish I could protect my little family inside of a bubble and keep them safe and sound…but what kind of life would they have if I did?  My husband would hate it, aside from the always hilarious Seinfeld references he could make.  The Bean wouldn’t get to do any of the things that I think have made me a better person, not to mention explore the world for herself. 

I used to get so annoyed with my dad when he’d call out “Be scareful!” whenever we left the house (I’m talking every time we walk out the door, even now that I’m 33), but I get it now.  When you have a kid, mortality becomes a reality instead of a far-flung concept.  It’s your job to protect them from the bad stuff, and that means you have to stick around in order to do it (realizing that some things, no matter how tragic, are simply out of our control).  I know I, like all of you, would go to the ends of the earth to protect my loved ones.  I just hope I get the opportunity to do so.

If this all sounds a little morbid, it’s because I’m having surgery today.  It’s a minor procedure and I’ll be home before Oprah, but I’m still scared.  What if something were to go horribly wrong?  My head knows beyond a doubt that everything will be fine, but could someone please explain it to my heart?  My heart is screaming at me to put it off, cancel it – even though it’s going to really help me – because how could I possibly leave my husband and The Bean by themselves?  I’ve made myself feel a little better (and my poor husband a nervous wreck) by making him promise that the two of them will find a new (and hopefully better!) lady to love and take care of them if the worst does happen…but you bet your bippy that I’m waking up from that anesthesia.  What other choice do I have?

Schmaltzy challenge of the day: Hug your loved ones a little tighter.  And be scareful!

 

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