Posted by Fitz

 

I’ve had a hard week, emotionally speaking.  While I think hormones are largely to blame for bringing unwelcome feelings to the surface, I can’t ignore the fact that they have been lurking there for some time now.  During my New Moms Group this week, one of the wonderful facilitators asked me an important question: “Do you feel fulfilled?”

I said no (and honestly was surprised that was the word that came out of my mouth), but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I’m not sure that was entirely truthful.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, in many respects – I have the baby I waited so long for, and I can stay at home to watch her grow and learn every single day.  I’ve escaped the daily stress of having a hectic job, can stay in my PJs all day if I want (which luckily, isn’t that often anymore), and can spend time with some of the incredible Moms who I’m lucky enough to call my friends.

Some days, though, it’s hard to say whether it’s enough.  I think I’m bored.

I used to channel all of my energy through work.  I planned, I executed, I was praised, and I moved onto the next task.  These days, none of that can really happen.   Sure, I plan my days with The Bean – but it’s a crapshoot as to whether those plans come to fruition.  I execute plans at her will, and am at her disposal unless there’s something – say a doctor’s appointment or a trip to BJs for more formula – that absolutely has to be done that day.  I get plenty of praise from my husband and my parents, and it’s very nice – but it doesn’t come with an award or a raise.  None of the ways in which I measured my personal success apply any more, and it has been a tougher adjustment than I usually care to admit. 

How can you measure success when raising a child?  How do you keep yourself going when every day feels like the same old, same old?  I wish I had an answer for all of you who are reading this and looking for some sort of advice.  Unfortunately, I don’t.  I think that motherhood is a work in progress, one in which you have to really savor the positive moments to help you get through some of the the harder ones.  This is a harder one for me, but I think I will in time feel successful with my happy, healthy Bean.  In the meantime, I’ll just relish the good times we share and the new little open-mouthed kisses she bestows on me….when she feels like it.  Together, we’ll figure it all out.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to thank my friend Evan for being such a faithful reader…and a great dad!

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