Posted by Duff

For the love of all that is rich and buttery, would I just stop kvetching about colic?  It’s over.

mostly_I_cry.jpg mostly, I cry picture by duffoliver

Sure. Technically, it is. I may have reached the point where I can joke about it, but colic is hard-wired into my brain, blood, and bones. I hear a baby cry and I’m fine.  But if I hear the unmistakable, apocalyptic sound of a colicky baby, it starts in me a visceral launch sequence akin to post-traumatic stress disorder. I’m not kidding when I say, 19 mos after colic was silenced in our house, that sound might still make me pee my pants.

Does anyone know of a famous person who has been through colic with one of their children? Because I can’t remember ever hearing of one, and I think this issue needs some star-studded attention. I’m not wishing it on anybody, but can I play Cyrano for someone like Reese Witherspoon to get the message out there? I’m guessing she has more enjoyable things to do these days than be the Face of Colic, but a girl can dream.

I just don’t want anyone to feel as isolated as I did. All around me, happy babies everywhere, with their serene mothers-on-the go, their occasional cries like lazy bubbles bursting on the sidewalk. I was sweaty, afraid to venture out, ears ringing from a constantly wailing siren.

I envy new moms like Erinfrances, who keeps her wits about her while nuturing, as she aptly puts it, a raptor. She is in the trenches, keeps perspective, and manages to be funny. You go, girl. My kid is old enough to hint at what ails her and I still have my riot gear handy.

Have you tried swaddling?  Why, no, I had never thought of that (as I fantasized about smacking myself in the face with my own feet). Yes, I tried swaddling, it provoked the Dervish.

White noise? Womb sounds? Music you listened to while pregnant, constant motion, a sling — these can help. Do you want to sucker punch me or anyone who makes these suggestions? Welcome to the inner sanctum: The aforementioned are cures for typical fussiness. Colic is not typical. But at least it’s not permanent.

Good news: in addition to proving the old adage, ‘What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’, colicky babies make phenomenal people. People you really want to know and be around. I swear. The few parents I know who have weathered colic (or know someone who has – it’s not usually someone you know personally; that would be way too helpful) confirm this.

. . .

A few days ago, my husband called me from the grocery store, where he and the Dervish had spotted a balloon.

“A balloon flew away,” recalled the Dervish (this balloon she spoke of flew away, at a parade, over a month ago. It wasn’t her balloon, but apparently, this event had a big impact on her).

“It did?” prompted her father. “It really flew away?”

Ehhh.” The Dervish shrugged. “It happens.”

It’s because of moments like this that I am considering peeing on a stick (and hopefully not in my pants) in the future.