Posted by Fitz

I have waited my whole life for this.

Through the years, I have suffered innumerable indignities when it comes to my voice.  Having inherited the rough, off-key Irish timber of my grandmother, no one ever wanted me to sing for them…despite my ferocious enthusiasm and superb performing skills.  I still remember my despair when I was one of the only girls in my 4th grade class to not receive a solo part in our chorus’ rendition of We Are the World. In the high school senior play –  the one where any senior can join – my friend the sound guy told me that they turned the mikes down whenever I skipped or danced toward them.  I was crushed, but it was clear – I was not a singer.

Enter American Idol.  I sing along at home, at the top of my lungs, thinking that if only I had a little talent, I could be the next Britney.  I could work harder on my abs, and she doesn’t truly sing anyway, so of course this would be within the realm of possibility.  It wasn’t until my husband told me I’d be part of the “loser auditions” that this dream fully died.  I would never be appreciated for my singing.

Now, though, I am smug to report that it’s a different story. The Bean loves my singing.  I can sing anything – made up lyrics to The Happy Days Theme song, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, La Isla Bonita…it doesn’t matter.  She loves it.  I have finally reached the rock star status that I have always lusted after, and it feels GOOD.

There are many things that the Bean has given me as a mother – unconditional love, joy,  some frustration, and a really fun reason to get up in the morning.  While I would never expect her to fulfill me as a person, there are little, unsubstantial things – like the singing – that pop up and make me realize how many voids she has filled in my life.  She has filled in so many of the cracks in me that I was always trying to fix by myself…and she doesn’t even have to try.  It is enough for her to be herself, and navigate her little life however she pleases, bringing untold joy to our family.

I feel a little awkward writing about how much my Bean has been a balm to me, when the reverse should be true.  It is what it is, though, and I appreciate the gifts – big and small – that she has given me over the past 15 months.  I hope that, as she grows, I can return the favor.