Posted by Duff


1. “Lunch already? I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

What you meant: “I just realized I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

What she heard: “Keep eating this much and this often and you’ll be behemoth.”

2.” I didn’t think you were supposed to ____ while pregnant?

What you meant: “I think I heard on (morning show of choice) that experts say that particular food/activity has any adverse affect on the fetus and wanted to make sure I told you in case you didn’t know.”

What she heard: “Looks like you’re on the road to a lifetime of bad parenting decisions. It’s called RESEARCH. Look alive there, mom.”

3. “I see you’ve started rubbing your belly already.”

What you meant: “With my sense of vision, I’ve noticed your hand moving in a circular motion over your uterus.”

What she heard: “Overprotective much? You look like an idiot, rubbing a non-existent bump.”

4. “I gained x number of pounds with each of my pregnancies.”

What you meant: Either “I only gained x number of pounds with each of my pregnancies. Looks like you’ve gained more already, and that makes me feel better about my weight gain”; or, simply: “I gained x number of pounds with each of my pregnancies.”

What she heard:  “I only gained x number of pounds with each of my pregnancies. Neener neener neener.”‘

5. “It looks like you’re carrying a girl.”

What you meant: “Old wives tales would say that the way the fetus is positioned, it’s a girl.”

What she heard: “Looking a little swollen and rocking the water weight there, huh?”

6. “Will you be breastfeeding?”

What you meant: “Will you be breastfeeding?”

What she heard: A lot more than “Will you be breastfeeding?”

7. I like the names x, y, and z.”

What you meant: Probably ” If I had a baby, I would name him/her x, y, z.” or “I secretly wish you would name the baby x, y, or z.”

What she heard:  “I hate all of the names you have come up with, and think you should name the baby x, y, or z. Or, after me.”

8. “When I was in labor…(insert labor story or anecdote).”

What you meant: “Having a child was one of the most momentous experiences of my life and I hardly get to talk about it, but I enjoy doing so because the memory of any aspect of the day I met my child is so precious.”

What she heard: “It’s going to be insanely difficult, you might not make it through, and you’re never going to forget how awful it was.”

9. “That’s an interesting name choice. Is it a family name?”

What you meant: “I am blindsided by how much I don’t like that name.”

What she heard: if it’s her first child: “Are you honoring anyone with that name? You don’t hear it often”; if it’s a subsequent child: “Good God, I hate that name.”

10. “So, are you all ready?”

What you meant: “Do you have all the supplies you wanted to have on hand before the baby’s arrival?”

What she heard: “I know you think you’re ready, but I can tell you’re on the verge of soiling yourself, and you should be.”