Posted by Duff

Since we opted not to find out MC’s sex, my mind has been left to wander. 

 I expected The Dervish to be a boy. I grew up in a neighborhood of firstborn boys, I have an older brother, it was just what I pictured. But as my pregnancy progressed, I took into account that my husband’s family had produced 17 consecutive boys over a 33-year period, and became more convinced it was time for a girl.

I was still shocked to meet her, but now I can’t imagine a firstborn son. I love having a daughter (though I wish she’d let me brush her hair rather than brushing me away with a direct Get out of here before pulling on one of three fleece hats).  You have to love her for it.

I feel incredibly lucky to be trusted with the fragile task  of raising a headstrong girl to be a confident woman.  Overwhelmed, but lucky.

It won’t be long before I meet MC. I try to imagine that moment, and how a random, sub-microscopic reaction will shape our family. My husband and I both feel very strongly that he is a boy.  I’m a little frightened of that feeling, because I don’t know how to be a mother to a boy. (Not that I knew how to be a mother to anyone before I was one). I feel more sure of the girl name I fought for than the boy name we’re still debating. I never had a sister and know lots who have recommend it.

Conversely, I wonder if I hear “It’s a girl.” if feelings of “I will never have a son.” will creep in amid “I’ll never be pregnant again.”  I already worry that sisters = competition.  If The Dervish will be sad to share her Daddy and her Papa with another girl.

These thoughts are a waste of time, though. MC already is who s/he is. Already has a tendency to be left- or right-handed, like certain foods, grow to a certain height.

I’m glad I don’t get to decide any of it, because I know I would choose wrong. I know I can’t imagine this person to be half as exactly-as-MC-should-be as MC will be. 

MC, you can thank The Dervish for that. She painstakingly paved the road to her parents’ humility, brick by frustrated brick.

Please be exactly who you are.