Posted by Duff

I’m coming to you, live, from the front passenger seat of my car. The Dervish, on the cusp of three and eager to drop her nap, snoozes from her backseat throne.

She fell asleep minutes from home, and I begged by husband to take the long way home, for just a few more minutes of Two Sleeping Children. He wouldn’t oblige – he needed to pee – but luckily, we maintained the utopia after shutting off the engine. We haven’t experienced this since before the Dervish turned one, and was a one and only.

Stolen moments like these are just one of the many universal experiences of parenting. Here are some others:

-You will be amazed that your 2-3 year old can produce a turd larger than most adults can, and survive.

-You will leave the house well aware that there is spit up on your clothing and possibly not even care if anyone else notices.

-If you didn’t hide ripped hems with tape or safety pins before, you will now. If you put in that much effort.

-You will use phrases such as “Because I said so” and “Or else” just like your parents did. And you will mean them. And your child will adopt them as comebacks when negotiating with you to show you just how ludicrous you sound.

-You will narrate your bathroom activities to teach your offspring how it‘s done, and you will offer candy, chocolate, stickers and later bedtimes to get them to imitate you. When was the last time you got a sticker for going #2 on the potty?

-You will be deemed funny for whispering in ears, yodeling, walking like a chicken, and singing the falsetto part of “Bennie and the Jets“. By your children, that is. Everyone else will just think you’re intoxicated.

-You will say “No” more times in one day than you previously may have said in one year, before you learn that Stop, Wait, Not Safe and Let’s do this instead are seven times more effective. (A friend’s mother who runs a long-time successful home daycare recommends a loud ‘wrong answer’  buzz sound)

In an effort to communicate with your spouse in front of your children, you will start spelling words instead of saying them. This practice may  may spill over into other areas of you life where it is unnecessary, like a work meeting: “Hey Bill, do you have the numbers on the D-E-T-R-O-I-T project?”

And so on.