Posted by AVM

Hello, again.  As some of you may know, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl four weeks ago.   CeeCee arrived with infinite more drama than her sister did nearly three years prior, but now, four weeks out, it’s water under the bridge, and the memory of the circumstances is already starting to fade.  Here we are on the other side, both healthy and in the swing of the insane phase known as infancy.  Or, as a mom I know put it: Survival Mode.  You do what you must to get through – best laid plans be damned.

In general, I try to be as positive as possible with my blog entries.   After all, I have so much for which to be thankful.  I have two daughters.  I have to repeat that to myself a few times during the day, as it’s how I always envisioned my family – and now it’s come true.  The gift of sisterhood is something that I am lucky enough to have, and I am so thrilled that my children will know this joy in their own lives.  My girls are doing great, CeeCee is proving to be an easy baby, a good sleeper and eater, pleasant and happy –  I don’t have much to complain about in my life.  As I said, I try to remember that with all of my blog entries, as I know that the winds turn easily and swiftly – I never want to be ungrateful lest the universe gives me something to really complain about.

And yet, I – like a lot of moms (certainly most of my friends) – am finding this time so difficult, and I feel like complaining, even though cognitively I know life is good.  The first three weeks post partum for me were met with an anxiety and sadness that hit me each day around 6 PM.  I hate the term “baby blues,” but, it fit.  I knew it was coming as I experienced the same feelings last time, but it still washed over me with a vengence. Honestly, it’s the cruelest part of new motherhood, and I am thankful to be out of it almost completely now.  For me, it manifests itself as tears for no reason (or every reason, depending on how you look at it), my heart beating out of my chest, and an overall feeling that vascilates between “what did we just do?” and “I just want to fast forward two years.”  These are not popular feelings, especially when the world expects you to be overjoyed as you gaze into your infant’s eyes.  But they are real.  Real to me.  My heart goes out to women who have these feelings more intensely and for whom this turns into full-blown post partum depression.  I am happy to report that I am feeling much better and in control, but when you’re in it, it feels like life is never going to change.  And now I remember viscerally why I hated the first three weeks following  Lovey’s arrival.  Thankfully, I’m moving through and moving on, and enjoying my new daughter tremendously.  As I am sure my next few weeks’ posts will focus on siblings and schedules and lack of sleep and that delicious baby smell, this post, my first back, I wanted to give weight to the crazy hormonal mess that so many of us moms experience in the beginning known as “baby blues”  – when everyone else thinks you should be thrilled and glowing and grateful, and you’d rather cry in the fetal position.  Hats off to you other ladies who have been there – you are not alone – and it will – it DOES – get better for most of  us.

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