Posted by AVM
Hello, again. As some of you may know, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl four weeks ago. CeeCee arrived with infinite more drama than her sister did nearly three years prior, but now, four weeks out, it’s water under the bridge, and the memory of the circumstances is already starting to fade. Here we are on the other side, both healthy and in the swing of the insane phase known as infancy. Or, as a mom I know put it: Survival Mode. You do what you must to get through – best laid plans be damned.
In general, I try to be as positive as possible with my blog entries. After all, I have so much for which to be thankful. I have two daughters. I have to repeat that to myself a few times during the day, as it’s how I always envisioned my family – and now it’s come true. The gift of sisterhood is something that I am lucky enough to have, and I am so thrilled that my children will know this joy in their own lives. My girls are doing great, CeeCee is proving to be an easy baby, a good sleeper and eater, pleasant and happy – I don’t have much to complain about in my life. As I said, I try to remember that with all of my blog entries, as I know that the winds turn easily and swiftly – I never want to be ungrateful lest the universe gives me something to really complain about.
And yet, I – like a lot of moms (certainly most of my friends) – am finding this time so difficult, and I feel like complaining, even though cognitively I know life is good. The first three weeks post partum for me were met with an anxiety and sadness that hit me each day around 6 PM. I hate the term “baby blues,” but, it fit. I knew it was coming as I experienced the same feelings last time, but it still washed over me with a vengence. Honestly, it’s the cruelest part of new motherhood, and I am thankful to be out of it almost completely now. For me, it manifests itself as tears for no reason (or every reason, depending on how you look at it), my heart beating out of my chest, and an overall feeling that vascilates between “what did we just do?” and “I just want to fast forward two years.” These are not popular feelings, especially when the world expects you to be overjoyed as you gaze into your infant’s eyes. But they are real. Real to me. My heart goes out to women who have these feelings more intensely and for whom this turns into full-blown post partum depression. I am happy to report that I am feeling much better and in control, but when you’re in it, it feels like life is never going to change. And now I remember viscerally why I hated the first three weeks following Lovey’s arrival. Thankfully, I’m moving through and moving on, and enjoying my new daughter tremendously. As I am sure my next few weeks’ posts will focus on siblings and schedules and lack of sleep and that delicious baby smell, this post, my first back, I wanted to give weight to the crazy hormonal mess that so many of us moms experience in the beginning known as “baby blues” – when everyone else thinks you should be thrilled and glowing and grateful, and you’d rather cry in the fetal position. Hats off to you other ladies who have been there – you are not alone – and it will – it DOES – get better for most of us.
September 28, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Those first few weeks are SO hard. I had some of the same feelings and nobody wanted a baby more than me but it was a really tough adjustment. I am glad you are feeling better and thank you for keeping it real 🙂
September 28, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Ditto Suzanne. Thank you for voicing what so many of us feel but are ashamed to admit. The beginning is HARD!
September 28, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Congratulations!!! And thank you for being so candid. I felt the same way when my daughter was born and it sucked! It’s so helpful to know that we’re not alone in having these “real” feelings – not the ones the magazine pictures and tv shows make us think we should be experiencing. I look forward to hearing more about your adventures with two girls!
September 28, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Welcome back, and congratulations on the arrival of CeeCee (funnily enough, that was my nickname as a baby since my older sister couldn’t pronounce Tracy).
You put down ‘on paper’ exactly how I felt after E.’s arrival. It is so hard, and I can’t imagine it with a feisty toddler to take care of, as well. I am so happy to read that you’re feeling better and you sound so positive.
I look forward to hearing more about CeeCee and Lovey!
September 29, 2009 at 1:10 pm
This is exactly how I felt too! It always hit me at night – I would cry and cry dreading the night to come. I knew it would be filled with a crying/awake baby, painful breastfeeding, and spit up. But we make it though and there is so much to look forward to!
September 30, 2009 at 12:57 am
I found it so frustrating that no one really talks about this as being totally and completely normal – as a first time mom I didn’t expect it and I questioned my own sanity. Thanks for posting and letting everyone know they are not alone. And congrats on the birth of your daughter!
September 30, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Congratulations on CeeCee’s birth!
Hugs! I hope that things get easier. It is so different with two!
September 30, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Congratulations on CeeCee’s arrival!
I think a lot of women are afraid to admit these feelings. I honestly don’t remember feeling that way with my first daughter, but after our new baby girl’s arrival, I definitely experienced feelings like that. The newborn stage is admittedly not my favorite stage and it was even more true this time around. I found myself wishing I could hit a fast-forward button for the first couple of months, but I don’t feel that way anymore.
It’s just nice to know others are feeling and thinking similarly. So, thank you for sharing and being honest. 🙂
October 2, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Congrats on your daughter’s birth! How exciting to have two little girls! I can totally relate to those same feelings and it is a comfort to know that we are not alone in these feelings. Best of luck in your journey!