Posted by Duff

There’s just not enough time. I say it every day, usually about work, or chores, or personal projects that I can’t even seem to write as a list to eventually check off. It drives me batty. I feel unfinished, at best, most days.

Every Thursday morning, around the time I awaken The Dervish, our trash and recycling is picked up. Which is an odd way to mark the passage of time, I know, but in contrast to the peace of sunrise and sleeping Dervish, the sound of those cans hitting the pavement reminds me that it was just last Thursday.

Out of nowhere, a memory of The Dervish, tiny, asleep on me, pushing off to stretch into an ‘S’, lips pouting, eyes still shut. Her proverbial ‘snooze’ button just minutes before she’d awaken in those days, about 180 Thursdays ago.

Atticus was fond of a similar contortion, so for me, this means ‘baby under 4 months’.

Obviously, neither one of them do this anymore.A's foot

That shouldn’t be upsetting to me, because I’m not typically the kind of person who gushes at newborns. I get the innocence, and the beauty of a new person, and the squishiness and all that, but I found myself, with both kids, wishing that time away in favor of eye contact and strong neck muscles, then laughter and motion. And conversation.

So today I find myself amid 3 1/2 – an age where kids believe Little Bear really can fly up to the moon and are apt to tell you what happens when he lands – stories that last for days and days and diagram the chugging gears of preschool imagination. Also, 9 months – where purees give way to (surprisingly large) solid meals and every cognitive victory is an obvious celebration mirrored in bright, unaffected eyes.

I wanted this. I waited for this. I’m here.

But when I see The Dervish’s wrists and ankles popping out from cuffs, I already miss who she is today. Atticus rocks on his hands and knees, already bored with sitting. Too soon, he’ll move on to his next interest, and the next. Until he moves out of the house.

For a minute, I just want my babies back.

Tonight, I’m leaving the dinner dishes in the sink. There is no time to wash them, plain and simple.